Letter From The Editor
Posted by Mike Brooks
Dear Readers,
I’ve gotten a lot out of my Hopkins education. One of the most formative courses of study I’ve pursued is that of economics, which opened my eyes to the world of commodification. I can look at something qualitative, like an experience or an idea, and derive some level of utility from it. Though Professors Hamilton, Faust, Ball, and others have pushed my boundaries of thought in this arena, the most credit belongs to George Steinbrenner of the New York Yankees. Until last week, I did not know one could buy a championship.
Mark Teixera, the power hitting first baseman, was teamed with pitchers CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett for a whopping sum of $423.5 million. Through the purchase of these three players, on top of A-Roid, Derek Jeter, and Mariano Rivera, the Yankees continued to amaze me as they plowed over my Philadelphia Phillies this past World Series.
To be a Philly fan you need only of two things: you need to live near or have connections to the city of brotherly love, and you have to hate. A lot. I’ve been polling these “Yankees” fans. Some of you are legit. Connecticut though? Come on. Give me a break North Jersey. Being a Yankees fan is just another
way of saying you know jack shit about baseball,
and you say you’re a Yankees fan because odds are the person you’re talking to is a Yankees fan.
Pittsburgh has five Superbowls, but they’re still a filthy city. I know, my friends from New York have facetiously complained about where they’re going to put 27 rings. I have a great idea, you can put them in a place you don’t even want to think about, a place so awful it can only be suggested in as cavalier a publication as this. You can put them in North Jersey.
Horse Costume Confounds Baltimore Police, Student Tragically “Put Down”
HOMEWOOD — The search for freshman Thomas Shetland was called off last Tuesday, after Mr. Shetland was discovered to have died of a gunshot wound to the head at 3:09 AM on November 1. Mr. Shetland was last seen preparing for a Halloween party the night before. Friends confirm that he dressed as a horse, saying that he planned to tell everyone that he was a “Shetland pony,” capitalizing on the fact that his surname also happened to be the name of a well-known breed of horse. “That god-damned wordplay,” lamented Stephen Cash, a close friend of Mr. Shetland’s. “Tom always loved it, but it killed him in the end.” Mr. Shetland’s horse costume has been impounded as evidence by the Baltimore City Police Department...
Boyfriend Stands Idly By While Girlfriend Paints Pumpkin
HOMEWOOD — According to recent reports, a Johns Hopkins boyfriend, Joey Sherman, was forced last Tuesday at 9 pm to awkwardly stand around while his girlfriend Jessica liberally applied globs of paint to a pumpkin during HOP’s annual Fall Fest. Joey was subjected to such comments from his girlfriend as: “do you like it,” “look how pretty it is,” and “so what, you think it’s ugly?” When we caught up with Joey he had this to say: “The Fall Fest that I love involves watching movies on the quad or playing with the hunks of corn stuck to all those light-posts. But not pumpkin-painting. It was horrifying...
Escort Van Gives Students Rides Like Never Before
HOMEWOOD — The campus security vans, often cited as a great source of University pride, have been praised by lazy and drunk students alike. However, the expertly qualified drivers of these vans have been targets of sympathy for students who lament their seemingly endless hours and overwhelming amount of responsibility. “I feel sorry,” commented a student named Jonathan. Luckily, to the satisfaction of many Hopkins students, one local man has recently been working to share the load with these aggrieved drivers, albeit for one small price...
